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The right opening line and the good questions that create an opportunity to talk about loneliness are absolutely crucial. Although loneliness has come more on the agenda, it is still a very sensitive and taboo subject. Studies actually show that 57% of Danes know people who they think or know are lonely, but over half have never asked about it, even if they really wanted to [1] . It can be difficult for you who show concern to broach the subject, but it is often even more difficult to articulate for the person experiencing loneliness. That is why it is important to talk about. The relationship with the other person is decisive for the opportunity to start the conversation. It varies from person to person how much they want to share with others, but expressing the feeling can be a big step on the way. As a private person and professional, you can contribute in different ways, but regardless, the techniques below can be good inspiration.

 

That is why it is difficult

When a subject is taboo, it is always difficult to talk about. It can be difficult to talk about loneliness with the people we are not close to and only see to a limited extent. It is typically difficult because we have a fear of being intrusive or nagging, which means that we refrain from asking how the person is doing.

But it can also be difficult to talk about loneliness with the people we are close to and see in everyday life. Here, attention can be limited by the fact that we become "blind" to loneliness and the associated risk factors, because we see what we usually see, and because it can be hard to recognize that one's loved ones may have an unmet social need despite one's presence .

In order to combat loneliness, it is important that we dare to ask about and show concern to both our loved ones and acquaintances. It is mostly easier for a relative to ask than it is for the person experiencing loneliness to reach out and tell.

 

This is how you can start the conversation

It is important to consider how best to approach the subject. There are many ways to do it, and the way will always depend on the current situation, the person you are facing and your relationship. There are tools you can use, such as concrete conversation techniques to start the conversation about loneliness in a good and respectful way. For example, you can use three techniques: asking for permission, normalizing and asking open-ended questions.

 

How can I ask permission?

Talking about loneliness can be a difficult conversation for both of you, which is why it is important to ask the other person for permission to bring up the subject. You can do this by asking for permission to talk, giving information about or giving advice in relation to loneliness. Remember to make it clear that the person can say no to the conversation, but state specifically why you are worried. This shows equality, humility and respect towards the other.

Below are some examples of how you can ask to set up the conversation about loneliness by saying:

 

"Please stop me if I'm asking too much, but I've noticed that you don't get out as much as you usually do. Have you thought about it?”

"You seem a little depressed and have less energy at the moment. That's why I've been wondering, how are you? Is it okay if I ask about it?"

"Did you know that it is actually 50% of elderly people who receive home help who feel lonely. May I ask you how you are?”

 

How can I normalize loneliness?

It is important to take the feelings seriously, but at the same time it is also necessary to give space to talk about it. You can help make experiences of loneliness more "normal" and "okay" by talking about them and thereby normalizing loneliness. Make it clear that either yourself or others have also had or are having similar experiences. It can be a way of de-tabooing loneliness, which can counteract the feeling of defeat in the person affected by loneliness. Removing the focus from the taboo and the feeling of defeat can help the other person to understand and recognize their own feelings.

You can normalize the feeling of loneliness by saying, for example:

 

“I have an acquaintance who started to feel alone when he lost his spouse. I find that this is the case for many.”

 

"I know that some people find that it can be really difficult to get out and see others, even if they want to, but don't feel they can because of walking difficulties. Is it something you recognize?”

 

"My experience is that many elderly people experience that they become more isolated from the rest of the world in connection with illness. Is this something you have thought about?”

 

How can I ask open questions?

You can show interest by actively asking the person, and following up and asking more in-depth about what the person answers. It opens up the person's perspectives and makes room for the person's own experience of the situation. Remember to show interest, be appreciative and open in the dialogue. Asking the open questions gives the person the opportunity to put their own situation into words and thereby understand it better.

Open questions can, for example, be based on pictures or personal trinkets in the person's home. Otherwise, you can ask an open question such as:

 

"How do you feel about being alone?"

"How often are you in contact with your family and friends?"

"My experience is that many elderly people experience that they become more isolated from the rest of the world in connection with illness. Is this something you have thought about?”

 

 In general, you can always open up the person's perspectives by, for example, starting from: "What? How”, “In what situations?” or "What do you mean when you say…?" .

 

 

The professional relationship

In a professional relationship, however, you must be aware that it is a balancing act where you, as a professional, must also be careful not to become too private. There is a big difference in what people consider private, and you have to be aware of that. But also bear in mind that for some citizens it may actually be easier to open up about loneliness, where the relationship is not private, because they can talk about their feelings and experiences in a new perspective.

 

Do you want to learn more about how you, as an employee, can take the interview? Marselisborg has collaborated with several municipalities to target home care, preventive staff and activity staff in small talk with citizens to track down and act on loneliness. The same applies in the voluntary sector, where it is also important to train volunteers to become even better at talking about loneliness. If you would like to hear more about the possibilities to strengthen the competences of your employees and volunteers in order to dare to open up the conversation about loneliness in a good and respectful way, you are very welcome to contact: Dorit Wahl-Brink Tel. 2173 3735 e-mail: dwb@marselisborg.org

 

[1] (Ensomme Gamles Værn and Mary Fonden 2014, "Palle alone in the world" - a qualitative study of adults' loneliness in mid-life, p. 13)